I am not a fearless woman though I have tried hard to become one. I do have my moments of being fearless. Those moments of standing tall even when I know all the odds are stacked high against me, but those are rare and stolen moments. I do see fearless women. I see them everywhere. I watch them handle situations with a grace I fear I’ll never possess. The rough part is that the majority of what I battle internally is actually anxiety, not fear, but if I ever want to be fearless, I need to do so through the grace of controlling my anxiety so that it doesn’t control me.
I feel like anxiety and depression run hand in hand like caffeine and nicotine. They are so intermingled it is impossible to easily separate how they feed off of each other. The more complex our psychological background and make-up has been and how we’ve reacted to it adds or detracts from our current mental state and coping skills.
When my anxiety is at it’s absolute worst, I feel that I am stretched thin. I feel an overwhelming sense of confusion. I feel skittish and ready to run. It feels like the energy is emanating out from every cell in my body. This entire effect is often shrouded in a layer of anger. Over the years I have learned to reign this feeling in and tame it. However, the more severe my stress is the harder it is to control.
I have made a guess (based on research and self-observation) that all these feelings might be some outdated self-defense mechanism left over from childhood trauma. No matter what it is, reigning in all these feelings when they are driven by anxiety or depression is difficult but not impossible. Now, I will admit that over the years I’ve tried relaxation techniques, anti-depressants, exercise, meditation, 5 HTP, Valerian root, relaxation teas, mood enhancers, positive affirmations, therapy, self-help books, guided meditation, etc. Many of them helped for a little while, but nothing to date has fixed it.
I have, however, stopped falling down the rabbit’s hole. That’s what I call it anyway. The rabbit’s hole is that pit of despair and hopelessness, that place of immense and deep dark pain. It’s that place inside ourselves, the darkest of places, where we go to feel the most heart-wrenching pains in their full splendor. We cry and rock ourselves, knowing no amount of comfort can diminish what we are feeling. The rabbit’s hole is where nothing is exactly as it seems and if we tried to verbalize it to others they would think we were crazy.
The worst part isn’t even plummeting down the rabbit’s hole itself. The hardest part is climbing back out. It takes a lot longer to put ourselves back together than it does to fall apart. Climbing back out is a heavy task and takes an enormous amount of strength. Some people give up before they even try. I believe suicide is the byproduct of not seeing a way out. There’s always a way out. Sometimes it just doesn’t feel like we have the strength. But with each step back up, my anxiety subsides and I know this. I might feel like a beaten dog for a few days but I know I will be OK.
Well-meaning people used to tell me that it was all in my head, which couldn’t be closer to the truth, but hearing this retort did me no good and most of the time made me feel even worse. It’s not like a switch that you can turn off and on. But I believe that if I see the signs, the beginning signs of anxiety, that I can head it off and refocus. I believe that I can readjust my sails and navigate around potential obstacles. Now there are times that certain people, places, and environments can become a breeding ground for anxiety. These are situations where our needs are not being met. We need to recognize these incompatibilities for what they are and make appropriate changes so as not to disrupt our personal harmony.
It’s right about now when I should be telling you some uplifting tale, divulging some sort of inspirational moral, some key to living life to the fullest. So here is where I will disappoint because I don’t know of any magical cure. I don’t know the answer to the equation. I only know that I can’t go down the rabbit’s hole anymore. I won’t allow it. I envy people who have nerves of steel. My nerves are made of nerves and all I can do is try to direct the flow of energy in a positive forward moving direction and follow it.
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Jaimee's Journal 
This is a great description of anxiety and how I have felt in times past. How interesting that my blog post, just posted today, is about how massage therapy helps reduce symptoms of anxiety! ! ! Go get a massage… and get one atleast every month! Xoxo
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Although it may not seem like it, I do understand and empathize with you. I have struggled with PTSD (inwardly) for many years. The “fight or flight syndrome” is always there, always ready to react to the stimulus or stimuli. I love you.
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